- Stop executing the dissidents, the mentally unstable and the merely annoying. (Those people responsible for the melamine in the milk, OK. I'll give you them.) I suppose it's too much to ask to quit jailing anyone who utters the word "democracy."
This horrifying creature, with the extremely unapt moniker "Pleasant Sheep," needs to be put out to cartoon pasture. Those drug-addled eyes and creepy grin adorn everything from shoes to split pants to notebooks, and haunt my dreams at night.
- Sanitation: This is actually an umbrella heading for a whole lotta resolutions. Don't use the sidewalks as a bathroom. The spring thaw is coming eventually, folks, and that means a whole winter's worth of frozen excrement hits the airwaves at once. Great, hocking puddles of mucus are about as much fun to see as they are to step in. Also, consider cooking your meat thoroughly. Particularly if you've been using the cold Qinghai winter as a substitute for a real refrigeration system.
- The Internet: Just give in, already. Stop pretending that you care whether porn or pirated movies
reach your huddled masses. If it makes you feel any better, open access to Twitter and Facebook has not jumpstarted the revolution in the U.S. If anything, it offers an inane alternative to meaningful interaction, which could be very useful in quelling unrest. Learn to love it.
Squat toilets are loathesome. They aren't convenient, as anyone who has tried to balance on your heels without touching anything with your hands while holding th
e hems of your pants out of the worst of the filth and desperately scrounging your pockets for a forgotten scrap of tissue will attest, and they certainly aren't sanitary. Let's jump on this "Western-style" toilet trend - even if it requires posting many more explanatory signs like this. It's worth it.
- Practice a little tolerance. Yes, it would be great if you stopped persecuting the Tibetans and Hui, and reconsidered the blistering racist attacks against mixed-race children who have the gall to perform in "Idol"-ish TV contests. But if you want to start small, you could stop staring at that American girl walking down the street, and maybe not mutter " 外国人" (foreigner) every time you see her.
- This may be getting a little picky, but as long as we're dreaming ... Couldn't we all just use the alphabet? Just a thought. Something to consider. You can get back to me on that one, China.
(Add this to the dancing Mao and my recent accidental declaration of support for His Holiness the D.L., and frankly China will be falling down on its duties if it doesn't have me arrested soon.)
Wow.
ReplyDeleteWow-oh-wow-oh-wow. You really want to be arrested, don't you? Coz if your first bullet point didn't do it, I am quite certain your fourth one did!!
Hon, have you SEEN the movie "Brokedown Palace???" Do you not remember what happened to the cute, sassy girls who pissed off the Chinese government?? Should I call Mr. Chang now, or . . .
-bencs
Well, Brokedown Palace was Thailand, but I take your point. You'd come rescue me, though, right J? Or at least enlist one of the Clintons to come work their magic with the international hostages?
ReplyDelete(And if any of the above is going to set the Chinese off, trust me, it's gonna be #2. They love that frickin Pleasant Sheep more than Michael Jackson and Mao rolled into one. Which, come to think of it, is kinda what he looks like.)
The other night it occurred to me that if you beat Eva Green with an ugly stick within an inch of her life, you'd end up with Kate Beckinsale. Nothing against Kate Benkinsale, of course. But I mean...come on.
ReplyDeleteWow. Maybe it's time for me to hop back on the bandwagon, so to speak.
Miss you.
Actually, if anything does it, I think it'd be #5. If it takes a sign to explain how a Western toilet works and children run rampant in split pants, you can bet an entire nation won't be willing to give up the ease and convenience of a self-explanatory hole in the ground. How dare you suggest.
ReplyDelete