Why pandas deserve to die

In Chengdu for the umpteen-millionth time, savoring burgers and beer at Sim's Hostel, possibly one of the greatest places on earth. Finally gave in to the hype, and visited the world-renowned panda breeding center (which, in an extremely informative video accompanying the tour, compares its scientific achievements to building the Great Wall and launching rockets into space), where I learned two things: even real ones look oddly like people in panda suits; and the universe really, really wants to get rid of them.

Among the reasons that pandas are headed down the fast track to extinction:

• Despite their imperiled status, it is very difficult to convince a panda to take a little time out of its busy eating-and-sleeping schedule to mate. I think in theory they're not overtly opposed to the mating process, conceptually speaking, but when it comes to actually making the effort, it just seems easier to abstain.
• Pandas were at one time in the distant past ferocious, meat-eating creatures. At some point, the species apparently experienced an existential crisis of epic proportions, and instead embraced a passive, vegan lifestyle. As any vegetarian will tell you, this can create problems of nutritional balance. Pandas solve this dilemma by working very hard to never expend any energy at all. In fact, even while participating in their all-time favorite activity -- eating -- they like to lay down or prop themselves up on something, so as to avoid accidentally wasting unnecessary energy. 
• In the most telling sign of the universe's disdain for the panda species,  the male panda's genitalia is somewhat shorter than the female's, how shall we say, receptacle area. Even assuming one could persuade the pandas to embrace free love, this shortcoming makes the odds of conception somewhat steeply stacked against them.

On the other hand, the Chengdu panda is the proud bearer of one of the coolest mottos of all time:

Things I have learned from Rinchen Tso

Rinchen Tso is my sometimes-roommate, since I rent the flat from her father. She says she is 15, which means she is 14, because Tibs have a wonky way of calculating age. Every 10 days she comes home from boarding school (which is all of five minutes away) and stays for 5 days. In our time together, I have learned many things:

• Mold on food is an indicator of several things, chief among them that I am not eating enough, and none of which have any bearing on the future edibility of said foodstuffs.
   
• Taiwan has yet to produce a soap opera that is NOT worth watching repeatedly. The goings on are happily translated by Rinchen Tso as we watch: "She is love him very much. He is her brother, but not really, and not love her." Fortunately, the plotlines run pretty standard: A mashup of "Taming of the Shrew" and "Romeo and Juliet," with just a dash of "The Fast and the Furious" thrown in.
   
• Dish soap is for rich Americans and special occasions. 

• Yogurt, while delicious, is not a meal. Oatmeal is for infants, if consumed at all. Hence, the only appropriate breakfast involves a hearty fry of mutton, potatoes and peppers - preferably partaken of before 8 a.m. If the foreigner has not risen by that time, it is clearly a mistake, and should be rectified by bringing her a hefty portion in bed. 

• A knock on the door absolutely must be answered. Even if we know it is not someone we want to talk to. Even if we are still in our pajamas, and we can clearly hear that it is our students at the door. Even if we know it is the monk from upstairs, and we absolutely do not want to tutor his nephew anymore.
   
• "Maybe" is a word with broad applications, but very rarely means maybe. (Actually, this is a lesson I have learned repeatedly, from many people, with sometimes unfortunate consequences). Most often, it means "definitely." As in: "Did you do your homework, Duke?" "Maybe not, teacher." The exception to this is when discussing schedules. As in: "When does the holiday start?" "Maybe Tuesday." "So I can buy my train tickets, then?" "... Maybe not." (Ooops, here again, we've slipped into "definitely" territory).