Why pandas deserve to die

In Chengdu for the umpteen-millionth time, savoring burgers and beer at Sim's Hostel, possibly one of the greatest places on earth. Finally gave in to the hype, and visited the world-renowned panda breeding center (which, in an extremely informative video accompanying the tour, compares its scientific achievements to building the Great Wall and launching rockets into space), where I learned two things: even real ones look oddly like people in panda suits; and the universe really, really wants to get rid of them.

Among the reasons that pandas are headed down the fast track to extinction:

• Despite their imperiled status, it is very difficult to convince a panda to take a little time out of its busy eating-and-sleeping schedule to mate. I think in theory they're not overtly opposed to the mating process, conceptually speaking, but when it comes to actually making the effort, it just seems easier to abstain.
• Pandas were at one time in the distant past ferocious, meat-eating creatures. At some point, the species apparently experienced an existential crisis of epic proportions, and instead embraced a passive, vegan lifestyle. As any vegetarian will tell you, this can create problems of nutritional balance. Pandas solve this dilemma by working very hard to never expend any energy at all. In fact, even while participating in their all-time favorite activity -- eating -- they like to lay down or prop themselves up on something, so as to avoid accidentally wasting unnecessary energy. 
• In the most telling sign of the universe's disdain for the panda species,  the male panda's genitalia is somewhat shorter than the female's, how shall we say, receptacle area. Even assuming one could persuade the pandas to embrace free love, this shortcoming makes the odds of conception somewhat steeply stacked against them.

On the other hand, the Chengdu panda is the proud bearer of one of the coolest mottos of all time: